you say love, is like the sound among the waves.
The time of long ago, of what you let go.
the sound of love,
the sound of love,
the sound of love,
inside our lungs, here inside our hearts,
is inside the burden of my head.
To love, you said, was once a great thing.

I said my love never meant anything at all,
you said you were none of me inside of all that love thrown away.
As if to say that love was just a stream of notes,
written upon the walls of childhood closets,
lipstick marks and all.

You saw your soul with nothing at all.
Inside a box, with only mine.
You silenced all,
and left it forgotten in time.

There is life out there for all of us to see. No need to search, no need to worry, it's right there! Right in front of your face. The face with eyes looking beyond at everywhere you could go and everywhere you've been. But no, wait! Please, do not loose your life in your mind. Let it go, let your life go free. No one can judge you if you're living, no one could ever be without your living. 

The world spun forever before my time.
Earth grew, without anyone's help,
to become our world today, spinning on forever.

So how is it that one moment of locked eyes
can make it seem like the world stopped spinning
just for a second.
Just for a second, to see each other.
To see each other for who we are now.
It was all I needed, to know who he is now.
A person who seems so strange and different
from the little kid I grew up with,
and the boy who used to be just like me,
in a way was me.
(We always said that we were each other in different genders.)

But the world didn't stop, it kept turning.
Everything keeps running smoothly,
as if its all rotating in one swift motion,
maybe thats what I can call life.

Because even though I dont I think I'll ever even really be able to talk to Michael like I thought I had, its okay because I realized I don't need to.

I've got a man that holds me every morning,
kisses my forehead and makes the sun glow from my face,
reassures me that he'll be there with me forever.
And sometimes, when that inevitable fear of being left again arises,
he puts it down and tells me I'm silly. Silly I am.

My mind is a scrambled with memories of a past I don't know anymore,
My soul was torn in half somewhere among those unknown times,
and now with both halves healing unevenly, I find I'm confused.
My heart stills drops so fast and so hard when I think of the state of my soul,
but it is so full for everyone and everything, especially him.
My days are full of him and it helps to mend both parts of my soul.
My days, my heart, my soul, none of them help in straightening out my mind because it doesn't connect anymore.

I had to disconnect my mind from my heart and soul,
so that I could move on as one entity,
so that I could move on mentally,
so that I could come back later on and heal emotionally.

But what if its been two years and I thought I had my mind sorted out,
in turn sorting out the healing path for my heart and soul.
And now with my soul and heart in the lead, my mind is having a hard time finding a way to follow.

because I can't wrap my head around any of it and I cant understand why I would've done that to myself and I cant understand why all of the a sudden it was me doing it to myself. I cant wrap my head around the fact that I'm so in love and yet I still feel so broken. I canNOT wrap my head around the fact that as my heart pumps so hard for Matt, my soul is still pining for Michael. My soul refuses to heal without Michael. I cannot wrap my head around it and I cannot move on. And I hate it.

Open, I see light before my eyes adjust and once they do, I see it.
The moon shinning so bright.
Where am I?
in bed, naked, his arms around me.
I wasn't here before I woke up.
No, I was stuck in a moment of a dream.
A memory of a moment that has yet to come.
The stinging familiarity of that feeling where the butterflies in my stomach fly out.
Leaving through my fingertips and my toes, shaking every part of me.
Shaking me awake, to lay with eyes wide and wandering.
Combing through the rays of light,
to remember you and what it was like to need you.

Once I couldn't find that feeling, I felt myself up and dancing with the moon.
And now with a more optimistic look and environment, I can see finally that I'm the lucky one.
But, I will always take care of you if you need me.

I find that its so hard to find inspiration to write lately. Which angers me because why does that talent hide away so cleverly until I'm upset again, and or, drunk again. Oh well, I'm not so angry that all I've been is happy happy happy lately.

And I just discovered some writing carved into the dresser/ coffee table in our living room saying something about I'll rise you or something. It was probably me who wrote it too, cos this dresser is so old and I used to write on random things. Like bathroom walls, shelving, and dressers. I've realized that I'm such an odd kid. But its okay because so are my siblings and so is Matt.

Piper leaves me tomorrow. Which isn't too cool, but in retrospect it was supa supa cool that you got to spend a whole month with me compared to like a week. So now julesy wulesy its yo turn to come spend some time with me, eh!

Let us open our arms to welcome each other into a reality unkwon to us before.  A reality unreachable by ordinary and traditional means. For we are uniting in love in hopes of a pure future. A future that can hopefully be void of a passion that we've unknowingly held above others. Because hatred can infest and corrupt a genuine heart before we know better. But now we know better. Hate can never truly be in the heart of an understanding and reasonable individual.
For in a rational and intelligent mind we can see and understand the reasons for other's intolerable actions and find through the reasonability of our hearts to forgive. And real forgiveness does not begin with forgetting, nor is it sustained through misplaced blame. Only from accepting what is presented as the truths of the past and then, in return, we can forgive the said unfortunate and hurtful truths. In hopes of beginning a new outlook we avoid apathy and embrace the fulfilling feeling of forgiving.
In a truly reasonable soul and intelligent mind, one must realize that hate is what ultimately pulls at the edges of the earth and of our minds. The only way to lead on to a peaceful gathering is through and with love.

Twisting and winding, my road flashes by so quickly.
I only have time to smile at those flashes, smile in those flashes.
Because living is all I can do.
Even when it's only in the flashes that I feel I'm living,
I know its really in the slow-rolling film advancing along slowly
that I grow so much and so far that I wake up and don't remember
that it's been three years since I grew up, two since I lost myself, and a year since I found my path.

And I'm scared, because I never saw this coming.
But when I look back and see the places I grew and the times that monument my life I remember that I never saw them coming either.

Light was creeping through the tilted blinds and I could see where it began, at the big circle of cheese that lights up our nights. So I untangled myself from his grip and pulled up the blinds. I laid back down and could see all his features, and was sure he could see mine. I cant find anything worth breaking that silence, so half of the time I dont ever want to say a word, because laying with him in a comfortable silence is the best feeling, I'm sure of it.

And this is it, this is love. The selfless longing to achieve each other's dreams with a hint of hidden fear that it could all go wrong. But it wont, will it? No, because this is real and we are full. Because we finally landed in the same strange place, away from everyone else. Just the two us, and timing is finally going our way.

What are you thinking?
Nothing, just about something stupid.
Like what?
Nothing, it doesn't matter anymore.
Something from the past?
Yea, but it doesn't matter anymore.

And although the memories haunt me at times, all I have to do is glance to my side and then they stop.

I like that you listen to good music. Any girl can be pretty, but a pretty girl with good taste in music?

Life, as we know it, shall change. The planets will align and everyone will gawk in awe at the beautiful display of colorful lights that have been shown on such a day. The day I took for granted, thinking it was just like every other. Thinking I would encounter the same worthless souls I have often come about in the past, but instead of finding new worthless souls, I found souls who have been quite lively to my lately worthless soul. And instead of feeling hatred, I feel only love for those who can so easily gallant around in a body thats never really been theirs and entertain in such a standard that it suffices none. And yet these souls, which inhabit such empty souls, come to me as fully grown and fully aware beings. And this is where I find the hitch in the lifecycle, that life can and will always sustain itself, but genuine and consistent entertainment must come from all corners of the world and all nooks of those corners, BECAUSE, the proper seem it such a strange thing to coexist with the peculiar beings. But yet, those sam peculiar beings find it strange to coexist among the "proper'. I put quotations because I do not believe these morales to be conveniently convincing. But rather, I find them yet another step in humanity's insatiable longing for an ultimate reason, and ultimate answer for all we long to know.

But we shall never except that we'll never know.  So we must therefor accept that, we too, are such a variable which sustains earth-life; not that they are such a variable that sustains human life.

His head was a city of paper buildings and the echoes that remained. Of old friends and lovers, their features bleeding together in his brain. Once it starts, it's harder to tell them apart. He was always distracted by the very mention of an open door. 'Cause he has sworn not to be what he'd been before...To be a remain, remain, remain, remainder...The television was snowing softly as she hunted for her key. She said she never envisioned him a type of person capable of such deceit.

And they carried on like long division, cause it was clear with every page.
Oh, that they were farther away from the solution that would play ot the remain, remain, remain remainder.


Fuckin narrow stairs is THE SHIT

Whats up with all this growth, and all this time spent losing each other.
It's happened all too quickly, the end has finally found us.
I'll try to remember that, but I know I'll never believe in endings to anything that never had a real beginning.
I'm slowly making my way back to the path that I fell from, and guess what, its in the woods with no clearing.
I've got no shoes, and still I brave the pains of the thorns.
The wolves howl at night and it makes me remember that I am alone.
And somehow, its exactly where I want to be.



I'm so fuckin full of analogies lately

Fully unpacked and inside of my house in Orlando. Can I just say how uplifting it was to spread open the navy blue curtains that fit in so well with my color themed-house, and see the sky shining so so blue at 10 am this morning? SO MUCH! I feel like the life and living aspect of my being is finally morphing to an intact state.

I've been sitting in panara for the past hour and keep finding myself dancing to the decemberists and realizing, shit allison you're in public.

Um, I'm fucked educationally. I failed this semester, like flunked out of my ass and onto the concrete failed. So, we'll see how that goes.

I enjoyed being home so so so so much. I think especially because I wasn't all fretted out about seeing Matt or Caitie, I basically knew I wouldn't unless I went out of my way.

It was basically like clockwork everyday. I'd wake up around 7 or so to wake up heather and mandy for school and wouldn't be able to go back to sleep so I'd stay awake all day downing two or so POTS of coffee by myself. Then somewhere someone would come over and we'd smoke a bowl. Then right around three or so everyone started showing up, Micah and Jordan all up on the pool table, Heather out on the porch, and everyone else filtering through here and there. Micah and Jordan's songs of choice, Micah-Kate Nash, Pumpkin Soup ("I just want yo kiss boi, damnit allison.") and Jordan-Decemberists, Summersong (mouthing "get swallowed by a wave" but saying "get swallowed by a whale" instead.)

I love the fact that when I'm home the only house I ever really go to is the Oakley's. I pretty much see everyone else because they come to my house. :) Oh, and this time when I cleaned, apparently it was finally good enough for my parent's standards. I think we had gone through what was it, two bottles of wine, eight twelve packs and a fourth of wiskey in four days. (weekdays mind you.) And the fact that wed night, there was absolutely everyone in keystone that I truly enjoy that stopped by my house.

I'm really really really really really really scared about dealing with my parents with the school situation. I'm not so scared about the situation, it's easily fixable. Well, easily in an extra semester fixable. Or something, I hope? GAH!

Walking across the open room,
the dust keeps tickling my nose, and the unswept sand keeps sticking to my feet.
Once I cross my arm to slide open the huge glass standing in my way,
I feel myself inside spreading out beyond my body.
When I slide that door open, I feel like I open up inside.
As if something inside jumps out and goes blowing in that thrusting wind.
Only then can I remember what  this all about, where its heading to.
I'm not sure when the notion protruded my mind that familiarities aren't only scarce,
but rather exuberant in this town more than my new one, the one where
similarities seem like such a bad asset among friends.
But I've found this likeness that links us all together is sustained
only by the differences in our minds that we try to so hard to push away.
I cant lay my head down to rest on these real beds
with all the excitement brought around by this empty, lingering house.
So I comb through still framed moments of a life that I could never touch,
even when it was mine.
And I pick up books to read what other's say about this unnerving,
irritating, and always exciting dragged out experience that we label as life.
And I think to myself why they're all so incredibly bitter and hopeless.
And I wonder how their nerves react to make them so alone;
 if its the creeping in the toes that made them log their thoughts;
Or maybe the shake of a bottle, settled in a nervous trembling hand;
Or maybe they just never felt what it feels like to smile for so long and so big that its not only lips that curl upwards,its my entire being, constantly floating upwards.

I want to take sparky for a walk. Damnit Lauren.

"you look like a night goddess walking up right now."

"why do you guys always make such sexual comments to me?" "Because, you're sexy and a pretty girl, and we wanna get it."

heh, "yeah I talked to so and so about you today, he kept sayin when he moves to Orlando he's gonna tap that so much. And I'm like, no I dont see that happening."

I dont go anywhere, people come to me.

Liberated myself from all that stupid highschool shit I kept dusted up in my room. Found the letter from  Michael and tore it up and threw it away, along with several poems he had written about Tatum, and a few pictures. Threw out all the old notes I had kept from eighth grade.

I feel so old, like grown up.

Things to love about keystone:
-being able to walk about our huge house is undies and a tshirt, its so damn refreshing.
-"Call for weed, we gotta smoke a blunt, Allisons in town."
-music music music
-5 disc cd player that sounds the whole house.
-back porch
-i'd go on a bikeride if the chain didnt fall off

I made a list?


Oh! and my studio turns digi in oct, and we're using Nikon SLRs. Hello, I LOVE MY FUCKIN JOB.

I'm sitting in the computer lab really really trying to study for my exams. I have BO, I feel bad for anyone that might come near me.
I dance too much during the day in this fuckin computer lab too.
every damn time I listen to foundations by kate nash there is one part where one of the instruments in the background sounds exactly like my ringtone, and I keep getting my heart jumping because I think for a second that my phone is going off really loudly in a quiet computer lab.

Had a minisode earlier today. It was the strangest thing ever. I went back to my dorm after my first exam and told Lauren how I'm probably making 1 c, 2ds, and an f in my classes and not not not not not not not not not not not looking forward to telling my parents that. I went and took a nap and I dont even remember what I dreamt about, just that I kept thinking we were acting like seals out of all animals on this earth, fucking seals in my dreams. But as soon as I woke up, I broke down.

-Jahora moved out of the dorm today and I was realizing, shit man. I have to have my shit out by this weekend. I moved into my dorm only with the help of Lauren and Noelle, and am now moving into my house alone. My parents weren't here to help with either.  WAH WAH why am i such a baby.
-I have no one to live with me in my house, and quite frankly what scares me the most is that if I do find people to live with that the only thing they'll be doing is bringing down my spirit. I just know it.  Not to mention the fact that they'd be complete strangers.
-Um, hello, I"M FAILING MY FUCKING CLASSES. how did I manage to let that happen?

Then that gut feeling came again where I dont feel like Orlando is it for me. I realized last week that May makes it eleven months in orlando and that is the longest I've lived in a place since I was fifteen. And I'm pretty sure I start getting really anxious because I know that I dont love it here, and I do not love the idea of being in a place I dont love longer than places I do.

Which leads me to moving, maybe.

I think my humanistic traditions class is the first class we've ever actually used like, the whole book.

I've been thinking alot lately that I matured alot younger than I would've liked. I tried so hard to please my parents by thinking out consequences to my actions and deciding from there if the action would be worth the consequence. I never really had the stage in my life when I just acted out and did shit because I wanted to. I had no damn balls. Of course, I have done things to disappoint my parents, but I always knew what level of trouble I would get in and I didn't care. I wish when I was fourteen I would've just gone with my instincts.

Also, after discussing and studying Freud I've come to the conclusion that yes, sex has everything to do with whether a relationship works or not. (not saying you cant have relationships without sex, just saying they're bound to not work out very well) And not because guys are tools, but because girls are tools too. Its our instinctual nature to hop on someone else and derive erotic pleasure from it. So why the hell we suppress it so much, who the hell knows. So yes, thats that.

And, I believe I'm going to be failing two of my classes and hope to God my parents do not decapitate me. Another thing I've been thinking about is changing my major, sort of. I don't want to be the education college anymore. Just thinking about all the bullshit I would have to go through that has nothing to do with me really just annoys the shit out of me. Like these freaking classes that I've been taking since summer, they really do not matter. So I think next fall I'm going to switch my major to English Lit with a minor in philosophy and if and when I decide to start teaching, I'll just go get certified. Shelbs, what choo think about that?

And and and, recently I've fallen deeply in love with Gustav Klimt because of my Humanistic Traditions class. The Kiss is on the cover to our book that our professor wrote and when we finally got to his era and I saw the whole painting I was in love and went and found some of his other paintings and fell even more in love. For instance:



Um, hello gorgeous.

Also I have come to the realization that all I really want right now with life is to cuddle on a couch listening to dave matthews and my life will feel complete.

One more thing, I seem to finally be unsick, to an extent. weee!

    My dreams are starting to disturb me.

Anyone know what the fuck a lake house means in a dream because I swear to God I've dreamt of a lake house like 28342380984094 times in the past two months.

I keep dreaming about random lake houses.

I think to quickly for my mouth to keep up.

My mind is so busy busy busy busy all the time time time. I have a hard time getting to sleep, reading a book, paying attention in class, gooodness.

I actually woke up, got to lab on time, and did nothing but hw for a straight ten hours. Thank you coffee and adoral.

Time is killing me. One minute I'm on an airplane to Asia, and next thing I know I'm finishing my first year of college and moving into a house of my own. I remember when I was in fifth grade, the first day of school I didn't feel like I should be in fifth grade. I noticed it until the last month of that year, and I finally felt like I should be in fifth grade. Then sixth grade came, and I couldn't believe it. I was in sixth grade? (LIKE OHEMGE) And it felt unnatural until March of that year. That cycle has continued every year since then. I do not feel like I should be finishing my freshmen year in college. I dont even feel like I should have graduated highschool when I did. Some one take me back to being five, I'd give anything to be graded for coloring inside the lines and swim in a makeshift pool in our backyard again.

For my education class one of our final projects is to make a video with moviemaker about a day in our life or some autobiography shit. Luckily since I'm a dork and videotape things alot with my cybershot, I shot this whole sequence at a road work stop on my way back to orlando from keystone. It was awesome because the things that happen in the video, happened in real life perfectly along with the music that was playing on my stereo at the time. Which is the same that I put on in the back ground. So, for your enjoyment for a minute: